The Hike Like A Woman Podcast

Life After Cancer

• Rebecca Walsh

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Can the fear of cancer recurrence become a catalyst for embracing life with fervor? As a breast cancer survivor, I candidly share my journey from battling stage two breast cancer to discovering a passion for adventure travel that keeps me living life to the fullest. This episode is a personal reflection on the unpredictable nature of life post-cancer and how it has shaped my desire to explore the world while supporting others in the cancer community. You'll hear about the emotional rollercoaster of balancing healing and contribution, particularly when approached to host a retreat for survivors—a venture that's both thrilling and daunting.

Join me as I navigate the emotional complexities of openly discussing breast cancer, and share the personal triumph of speaking without tears. Together, we explore the vision of creating a retreat designed by and for breast cancer survivors, a supportive gathering that is much needed in our community. This conversation not only highlights the challenges and triumphs of life after cancer but also sparks hope for turning this retreat vision into reality. Thank you for being part of this heartfelt exchange, as we connect through shared experiences and aspirations for healing within the cancer community.


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Speaker 1:

I have a confession to make and I don't know if I'm embarrassed about this, I don't know if I'm ashamed of what I'm about to tell you and I also don't know I might be a little proud of myself. But let's rewind here. I know this is the podcast where I talk about what's going on behind the scenes at Hike Like a Woman. We talk about hiking, we talk about adventure, travel, all of those things. But if you've been following for a while, you know that I had breast cancer Three years ago. I was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer. I had a lumpectomy to remove the tumor, I had chemotherapy, I had radiation. It was a really difficult year for me. And then a year ago I had another lump in my breast and another lumpectomy turned out to not be breast cancer, but it was still a very scary thing to go through. Personally, after going through all of that and all of that treatment for breast cancer, there's this constant fear that I live with of cancer returning. And since cancer, I've realized that the future is not a promise, it's not a guarantee, it's just a hope, and that's, I think, why my latest obsession with adventure travel is so prevalent right now, because I just feel like it's such a big world. I want to see it all. I want to go on all of the adventures. I want to have all the fun that I can, because I don't know if I'm going to get to live long enough to enjoy retirement. That's just like the grim truth that comes with life as a cancer survivor. And today I want to just talk to you about something that I've been going through personally as it relates to breast cancer. So if you're a breast cancer survivor out there, maybe you're going through treatment right now. This conversation might be a little triggering or it might be a little liberating, but I just want to give that disclaimer that on today's podcast I'm talking about breast cancer podcast. I'm talking about breast cancer.

Speaker 1:

About a year ago no less than a year ago, maybe about six months ago I was approached by a breast cancer organization regarding a grant and they said that they would like to give me a grant to host a breast cancer retreat, to host a breast cancer retreat, and the cool thing about this retreat was they wanted a breast cancer survivor to put on and host a retreat and event for breast cancer patients and survivors. So a lot of times I found that with cancer support groups. There's a lot of really well-meaning people out there who want to be involved in the cancer community, so they start a support group or they host a retreat or something like that. But sometimes those people can't relate to those people who are going through a cancer diagnosis and trying to pick up their lives after cancer. I'll just give you a quick example.

Speaker 1:

I was really excited about a certain cancer support group that I found online when I was actually going through treatment and I was really excited about a certain cancer support group that I found online when I was actually going through treatment and I was really excited about this program that they offered. But the facilitator for the programming kept trying to compare her divorce to a cancer diagnosis, and a divorce and cancer are completely separate, completely different things and it's like comparing apples and oranges. I just didn't feel like it was something that you could do and I also didn't feel like it was appropriate in the context of a cancer support group for cancer patients and cancer survivors. So when I was approached about this grant, I got really excited because I saw this huge opportunity to help out the cancer community, to do something good, to kind of give back to the cancer community and to use my love for the outdoors and for nature and for all of the healing that I've personally found in nature. I thought that was something that I could really share through the Hike Like a Woman community and through offering a breast cancer retreat a free retreat for breast cancer patients and survivors. And it's actually kind of ironic because on most of the group trips that we offer, usually we have one to four breast cancer or cancer patients or survivors on those trips. So, unintentionally, my audience has grown and there's a lot of people who have had their lives be touched or impacted by cancer in some way participate in our group trips. So it seemed just like a good way to extend that kind of a good extension of what I already do here at Hike Like a Woman.

Speaker 1:

So I applied for the grant, I received the grant money and then I started planning and I found a venue that could host the retreat. I started to reach out to other breast cancer survivors who are in the outdoors space, in the wellness space, in the coaching space and I started to brainstorm like my dream team of other breast cancer survivors who I feel like I could run this retreat with and do a good job. But then something happened and I just started to feel like maybe hosting this retreat was not something that I could do right now. And it's so strange. I went to on a you know I had a busy fall guiding season.

Speaker 1:

I went right from Alaska to Yellowstone to a hike like a woman reunion in Colorado and then to Peru and I just kept putting off finalizing the plan for this breast cancer retreat. I just couldn't open up my Google Doc and I just couldn't put the plan on paper. It just seemed overwhelming to me, it seems scary to me, even though I host group trips all over the world, the thought of planning a breast cancer retreat here on my local mountain, at a place I'm very familiar with, a place that I've used to host retreats before. I just couldn't do it, and I was out on a walk the other morning just trying to figure out why I was struggling so much trying to come up with a plan for this breast cancer retreat. I was struggling because it's something that I should have felt so excited about planning. I should have felt so excited about putting together a cancer retreat, so excited about this special retreat that was going to be for and by cancer patients and cancer survivors. I was so excited about spending a weekend just with people who have had a breast cancer diagnosis. I was really excited about it.

Speaker 1:

But for some reason, every time I went to put the plan together, every time I went to send out an email or make a phone call about the retreat, I just was met with this internal resistance and I was like fighting against this resistance for so long. And I'm thinking about it as I was in Alaska and Yellowstone and Peru and I had talked about this breast cancer retreat and I promoted it and it just did not feel good to me, it just didn't feel right to me. And so I had to contact the person who gave me the grant and I had to say, hey, something's I just can't. I can't put my finger on it, but something just is not right with this retreat. There's something that's just not. It just doesn't feel good to me and I can't explain it. I don't understand it, but I need to return this grant money to you and I need to cancel this retreat because something's going on here.

Speaker 1:

So I've been digging deep the past couple of weeks to figure out what the disconnect is between my love and passion for helping women get outside and go on these epic adventures, but not feeling like I'm in a good enough space where I can do that just with breast cancer survivors and just with breast cancer patients. And as I've been contemplating this and thinking about it for the past couple of weeks, I've come to the realization that I'm not feeling confident and comfortable enough in my own journey as a breast cancer patient and survivor to open myself up to helping other women go through a cancer experience. I don't know if that makes me sound completely selfish. I don't know if that makes me sound completely selfish. I don't know if that makes me sound completely weird, because it's been three years since I read those words that I had invasive ductal carcinoma. I don't know if I'm behind schedule with my own healing journey or if I'm right on schedule.

Speaker 1:

But I think the reason that I haven't been able to put this retreat together and feel good about it is because I personally still have quite a bit of anxiety, uncertainty, frustration, anger, fear with my own cancer diagnosis and with my own cancer journey. I think it goes back to this thought that I have and this thought that I've had since coming out of cancer treatment, and it's a thought where if something is not a hell yeah, then it's a hell no, and that doesn't just go for things in my life, it also goes for people in my life, experiences in my life. Like I'm not gonna spend time doing things that are not a hell yeah. While I hope to be in a healthy enough mental space where I can help other women go through their cancer journeys and come out the other end, and where I can open up and share more of my own feelings and emotions surrounding breast cancer, I'm just not there yet and I'm not there mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, like I'm not in a place right now where I feel like I can be a good mentor, a good coach or a good leader in the breast cancer recovery community and within that space. So I I was excited to host a breast cancer retreat for survivors by survivors. I was excited to put a plan together. I was excited to meet other breast cancer patients and survivors from all over the United States. I was excited to host this event on my own local mountain, on my own local mountain. It just wasn't aligning with how I'm feeling right now as it pertains to my own breast cancer journey.

Speaker 1:

So if you're out there and if you're struggling with something big and challenging in your life, whether it be a life-changing medical diagnosis, maybe it's a career change, maybe you're leaving a relationship that's toxic and unhealthy, maybe you're starting a new career, maybe you're switching your major in college major in college. Maybe you're frustrated with opportunities not coming to you, maybe you're just feeling a wave of uncertainty and a wave of fear and a little bit of stress or apprehension about something. I think it just goes back to that feeling that we get in our gut. It's the same feeling we get in the backcountry when we know that something is wrong, but it's easy to push that aside. It's easy to push that intuition, that gut feeling. It's easy to set that aside and push forward. But I'm trying to do a better job of listening to my intuition and trusting my gut, not just in the outdoors, not just in the backcountry, but also on those days when I'm just sitting in my office thinking about the future, thinking about what makes me happy and thinking about how to take care of myself physically and mentally. So anyway, there you go.

Speaker 1:

You've heard me talk about potentially hosting a breast cancer retreat at the end of May here in beautiful southeastern Wyoming. That event is now canceled because I just cannot do it. I'm just not in a healthy enough space to make that happen. Does that mean that you can't reach out to me if you're a cancer patient and that I won't talk to you? Absolutely not. I'm here for you. I want to be your friend, I want you to feel like you can talk to me about all of those things. It just means that right now I can't host a breast cancer event, and that's okay because I think someday I'm going to be in a healthy enough space to do so.

Speaker 1:

So there you go. Those are my thoughts on breast cancer right now. Just a heavy topic, and it's a hard topic, and I did not cry this episode, so that is excellent. That I can get through talking about breast cancer without crying is a huge, huge victory for me. So there you have it Thoughts on breast cancer, thoughts on breast cancer retreats and thoughts on why a retreat needs to happen, that is by survivors and for survivors, and maybe someday that will happen. So thanks so much for being here today. Big hugs to you and throwing some good vibes into the universe for you, no matter what you're going through today.